Showtime!

Saturday 25th May 2013. That date will go down in history as the first ever live performance of the Colchester Comedy Workshop! It rather crept up on us, and we were perhaps less well rehearsed than we'd have liked, so some of us were a bit nervous, and those of us who weren't, quite frankly, should have been. Would it be a triumph, or would we make fools of ourselves - except in the ways we intended to - in front of tens of hundreds of thousands of millions of people? I may be exaggerating the size of the audience.

There were one or two teeny weeny hiccups. The time it took for me to transform myself into a mad Italian chef was longer than had been allocated, leaving poor James and Aggie sitting on stage in silence, but I think we got away with it. And when I performed my incredibly sexy striptease routine, perhaps I shouldn't have put my shirt down in the pasta salad (ably played in this performance by some macaroni cheese). It seemed like a good idea at the time, but for the rest of the show there was macaroni cheese on everything. If you've ever thought it would be really good if everything was covered in macaroni cheese, I can tell you now that you're wrong.

But people laughed in all the right places, so all in all I think we can chalk it up as a magnificent, triumphant debut. Next time we'll have more rehearsals. And less macaroni cheese.

Look at all the clever things!

Right, well it's all kicking off this week! What with books and plays and showcases all heading straight towards your face!

Killing Elizabeth

 If you like the cut of Simon's gib (and who wouldn't?) Then you can download his novel 'Killing Elizabeth which is free all this week on Kindle!

If you've ever tried to murder your wife, you'll know how Adrian Hadley feels.

He doesn't want to kill Elizabeth, but when she kicks him out over a fling with a homeless girl, how can he be sure she'll maintain her silence about the demons in his past? Murder really is the only option. After all, how hard can it be?

Then comes a disastrous encounter with gentleman thief Lewis Tremaine and his grubby sidekick Vern. Suddenly Adrian's perfect crime looks set to destroy him, and his teenage lover Kelly is no help - she's working to her own agenda. Meanwhile Adrian's past is fast catching up with him, and what started as a simple murder is turning into a major headache.

Discover a world of crime, desperation and frantic improvisation in Simon Goodway's thrilling debut novel packed with dark humour, unexpected twists and dogs on crack. 

DOWNLOAD IT NOW  

Onion Gods

A new radio play written by Comedy Workshop member Simon Goodway (the bush) is free to listen to online, performed by the marvellous Frequency Theatre Group. 

Performed by Thomas Edwards (Hulio), Robert Crichton (Captain), Jo Palmer-Tweed (!Masa), Emily Dixon (Nula) and Stephanie Humphries (Silinami).

Stranded on an exotic island, the hunky, slim Hulio and his hefty Captain endeavour to find a way home. What they discover is an isolated civilisation which thinks bigger definitely is better.

Produced by Rich Chilver and Bethany Sharp-McLeod. 
LISTEN NOW

Naked Face Eating Zombies From Romford

This bit of shameless self promotion is about my very own £1 book. It is a six chapter novella packed with comedy that will make you feel sick and slightly ashamed.  

Derek is a miserable git, bursting with impotent rage toward his co-workers; there’s morbidly obese Marjorie, the self important Administrator, Deborah, Gavin, the slim-line-suit-wearing, blue-eyed, berk of a team-leader. Then the Romford based office is attacked by a horde of naked, face-eating zombies. What happens next is a rip-roaring, gut-busting, overwhelmingly satisfying, killing fest.

BUY IT BEFORE YOU KEEL OVER FROM THE DESIRE TO OWN IT


Last, but by no means least!

Colchester Town to Port Festival

Preparations are well underway for the Colchester Comedy Workshop's Showcase which will be part of the Town to Port Festival happening around The Hythe in Colchester on the 25th of May (this Saturday!)

There will be never performed sketches as well as standup and occasional acts of anarchy.

It's ENTRY IS FREE and the Colchester Comedy Workshop showcase will be from 5:15pm to 6:15pm.

Come along and witness scenes that will make you chuckle!

Rehearsing (and plotting)

Following on from that flurry of excitement last week, where it seemed all the members of the Colchester Comedy Workshop were trying to out-do one another with ‘hilarious’ drawings and Shakespeare puns, we’ve all been rather quiet.

I believe this is simply due to the fact that we had a rehearsal for our sketches (to be performed at the Hythe Festival on the 25th of May) on Tuesday evening.

It was all going rather swimmingly, everyone knew all of their lines, we got a little feedback and worked out who was standing where and what was going on and how Father Christmas would get involved, everyone was happy and sparkly... all until the last sketch of the evening.

 

When ‘IT’ happened (no not information technology) I’m referring to the ‘incident’.

No? Still not clear?

Well I’ll have to spell it out for you then, thickie.

I performed.

That’s right. Me, H of the Powis.

You see the thing is that I was simply so astounding in my role, so utterly hilarious and guffaw inducing that, although the others chuckled and laughed at the time, they all went on to realise that during the Colchester Comedy Workshop Showcase they are going to have to follow my performance.

I feel for them, I really do.

In the meantime, of course, they have been quietly ferreting away, working out how they can make their performances awesomer, funnier, more marvellousa than mine.

I wish them luck.

Following On...

I like to think that we all bring something different to the Comedy Workshop. Here is my contribution, following on from what you've just been reading about. I present to you...

THE ALTERNATE WORLD OF WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

(not to be confused with The World of Modal Roberts)

Yes, a list of amazing puns for your pleasure. Let's get the ball rolling, shall we? See if you can guess which one is which.

The Thames Pest

A monster by the name Caliban is causing havoc in Central London waters. In steps Prospero, disgruntled ex Thames Water employee and now PETA lynchpin, to defend Cal's humanity. But he'll have to go through City of London Mayor, his brother Antonio, first....

Simple Dean

Dean Smith, a 20 something office worker, is fed up to the back teeth at taunts from his mates that he's a bit dim. Dean goes out of his way to prove that genius can be very subtle indeed.


King, Don

Boxing promoter Don King sets about tour of all 50 states of America with his wife and dog, facing hurdles along the way such as running out of petrol and his wife getting sick. The pugilistic mercurio deals with the problems in his own inimitable fashion.


Paul's well? That's Ben's Well!

Paul and Ben are two brothers who both contest the ownership of a family well, leading to ructions, romance and laughs along the way. And Noel Edmonds.

Rich Hurd the Bird

King Richard III is feeling lonely so pops out to the pet store to buy himself a parrot. He soon realises that this was a big mistake but is frustrated to learn the store has a no-returns policy.

A Fit Runner's Light Cream

Annie Tremain - dedicated marathon runner and charity worker - finds herself addicted to Ambrosia Double Cream, causing her to put on weight in the run up to her next event. That's when she hits upon the idea of inventing her own low fat cream, but one that loses none of the taste.

The Two Gentlemen Quaff Peroni

Valentine and Proteus fall for Silvia and Julia respectively, but then decide they want to go on a massive bender and the girls decide Val and Pro are not for them.

McBeth

Portishead vocalist Beth Gibbons makes a shock retirement from music to take up a position as manager of the Arbroath McDonald's. Things start off well but when friend Geoff Barrow turns up, things become a bit fraught and she questions her choices.

Perry Clees, Prince of Tyres

Perry Clees, loveable barrowboy about town, fulfils a life long dream by opening his own tyre shop in Dalston. Little does he know that his brother, John, has opened up a rival business down the road...

Ass? You Like it!

\Duke Frederick upsets the whole of the Forest of Arden by flashing his arse at any given opportunity. The townsfolk are loathe to quibble with him on the issue as he then goes on to threathen them with death lest any derogatory comment be made about his derriere. 

Henry the Sith

Henry V - Fivey to his mates - travels forward in time to train as Jedi Knight under the tutelage of Obi-Wan Kenobi. After successfully completing his training he is rewarded with a job lot of lightsabers which he takes back to his kingdom, deploying them at The Battle of Agincourt to successfully beat the French.

The Ferry Wife of Windsor Davies

Veteran actor and Welshman Windsor Davies goes mad and tells everyone that he's now wedded to a P and O liner. The news is met with great indifference.

Health Night

Viola disguises herself as a young man named Cesario so that she can infiltrate a men only Weightwatchers club as there are no other groups in her area. After revealing herself to be a woman she is made an honorary "Fat Lad".

The Claiming of the Shoe

Katherina and Petruchio have both been made homeless and are desperate for footwear. After Kath finds a sneaker down an alleyway, Petruchio grows jealous and devises a cunning plan to prise it off her. There's literally trouble afoot...


O Hello!

The inspiring story of a King's quest to learn how to speak.


Tight Ass Androgynous

Steven Pertwee grows his hair long and undergoes a style makeover, but continues to anger his friendship group through his stringent parsimony.

Henry the Sick, Part 1

Henry VI is told by his doctor that he has a heavy cold. Henry hears what he wants to hear and decides that he's only got three months to live.

Henry the Sick, Part 2

Henry compiles a bucket list in preparation for what he believes to be his imminent death; we hear of his trek to Macchu Picchu, skiing in the Alps and being an background actor in Les Miserables.

Henry the Sick, Part 3

The three months are up and Henry is not yet dead - he returns to the doctor to complain. The doctor's having none of it and tells him to leave, only for Henry to get his vengeance by having him struck off the medical register.


The Toilet and Cress Idea

Priam, King of Troy, is finding that putting a pot on a windowsill so that his cress can catch the sun simply isn't working. In his infinite wisdom he tries to grow cress in his toilet. Unsurprisingly it doesn't work and he blames it all on his kids.

Tie Man of Athens

Alcibiades, in a bold attempt to eclipse his mate Timon, makes a pun on T's name and begins to sell ties in the metropolis. It works and Timon surrenders his title to his good friend.

"The Winter's Stale"

Leontes becomes a prophet and starts making bold declarations about the seasons, stating that spring is fresh, summer is lukewarm, autumn is for dudes and winter is...stale.

Ham Lets

Laertes has had enough of poncing around in Denmark so relocates to Ham, West London, where he sets up a letting agents. We watch his progress as he experiences the peaks and troughs of being in the housing game, dealing with such problems as unlisted properties and a cottage on fire.



 

I'm going to add more as time progresses. Keep your eyes peeled for yet more hilarious wordplay.

Youtube Sketches

As you can see from the post below, we have begun putting sketches up on Youtube, each with their own distinctive covering picture. These pictures exist to set the tone for the sketch and to ensure there is something colourful for people to look at. With this in mind, workshop member Agnes and I set about creating some covering pictures, not for sketches which have been written, but for ones which we hope will be created in the future. However, when we sent them to Holly and Simon, they put their feet down and told us that our artistic talent was insufficient. Apparently there is a great divide forming between those in the workshop who can draw and those who can't.

In any case, Aggie and I have collected together our drawings and we submit them to you now for judgement. Remember, these sketches have not been created yet, we only have names. Vote for your favourite, which will then be recorded for your listening pleasure. Act quickly, before the arty types catch wind of this post and take it down. I'll put a snippet of imagined dialogue underneath each.

1) Dog Bowling - Stuart Gardener

Voiceover: 

You've heard of alley cats, but what about an alley dog?

SFX: Dog Bowling Theme

2) Bad Burglar - Stuart Gardener

*Burglar trips on rug and falls into cupboard under the stairs*

Burglar: 

Oh, ouch, oh god, who left that...mop... coat hook in the back...trousers have come off. That's going to hurt in the...

SFX: Police Sirens

Burglar:
Could this day get any worse? Oh, okay, that broom's going to have to be removed surgically.

 3) Bees - Agnes Henson

President Kennedy: 

Somebody better do something about these godda-

[Bee #1 Enters]

Bee #1: 

Buzzzzz

President Kennedy: 

For the love of god, who left the lid off the presidential honey pot? You've killed us all.

Bee #1:
Buzzzzz

4) Attack of the Flying Arse - Stuart Gardener

Crazy Scientist:
They said I was crazy. They said I was crazy to wonder whether an arse could fly.

Research Assistant:

That does sound pretty crazy.

Crazy Scientist:
How dare you! Flying arse, attack!

5) New Pope - Agnes Henson

Pope:

Ohh, Betty!

6) Court Appearance - Stuart Gardener

Judge:
I sentence you to five years hard labour.

Defendant:
Why don't you come over here and say that to my face?

Judge:
You want that? Fine! Gloves are coming off. You'd better have insurance cos I'm sending you to the hospital, muthafucka. 

Defendant:
Oh we are so fighting now. We are so fighting now.

7) Havana Wonderful Time - Agnes Henson

Fidel Castro:
My most trusted brother, before I die there is but one thing I ask.

Raul Castro:
Anything, anything for you.

Fidel Castro:
Set up the games table. I've got a real craving for monopoly.

Raul Castro:

You've got to be joking?!

Fidel Castro:
I'm going to get all the oranges. 

Videos!

HAHA!

I was dead chuffed the other day, right, because I spent about ten or twelve hours sitting at my desk, not moving for no one or nuffin, working on some vids. Or ‘VT’s as some people call them.

Any hoo, because of the Comedy Podcast success, I wanted to capitalise on that and take some of those brilliant sketches and turn them into Youtube video’s by means of adding on a brilliant illustration.

Now the illustrations took hours, and hours, choosing the right font, researching Cilla Black’s face that sort of thing. But after a whole day, in which I earned myself some cracking RSI and clocked up a good deal of procrastination, I had created this:

Jolly good isn’t it? With the face? Do you like the face? DO YOU LIKE THE FACE?

So I was all proud as a punch dragon of my achievement when along comes Simon Goodway. My arch rival.

That shame making nandy poop knocks this up in twenty minutes flat:

Obviously I will have to kill him in order to be the bestest and fastest illustrator in the Colchester Comedy Workshop.

However I would then be lumbered with the duty of creating ALL the illustrations for eternity. Plus, someone somewhere might notice he’s been sliced up into little teeny tiny pieces and lobbed in a bag for life...